It is the first time in my life ever writing, not because my English teacher forces me. I have decided to be baptised and become a Christian on September 12th. Amazing grace!!! It is the first time in my life that I call my mom in China, and tell her,

"Mom, I was wrong. I hurt you and dad and friends who treat me with love and candid, but wasted my life on 'friends' who deceited me."

"Mom, can you understand? Do you think that I'm crazy?" Chinese people have got used to living on what they think are correct. They think they can do anything. They think faith is anti-science, is feudalism, is the tool that Capitalism uses to control people.

"No, my daughter. I feel delighted and gratified for you, though I don't understand it, I am so happy that you finally understood what is living a righteous life."

Things floated through my mind like film. The middle school I attended in China was honored "One of the one hundred best Chinese middle schools", which is not founded by the government, but by a single person, who is granted "People's representative", and attending the highest political gathering in Beijing. All the teachers in school follow his belife. He says, "this school needs Nationalism." Then all the teachers go back and tell students, Nationalizm is our centeral theme. So, in singing competition, English songs never get into the final round; in dancing competition, non-patriotic theme never gets to win the first price. Dogmatism is my school is an unspoken truth, "Every thing must be patriotic! Nationalism is all good! Capitalism is all evil!"

So, that year, when I came back from New Oriental school, a school helping students on TOEFL exams and applying for studying abroad, I was called into didactical office.

"You were late for one day!"

"Yes, I went to New Oriental school for improving my English, sir. And I told another teacher before leaving, that I was gonna be late." I was all simling, not knowing how stupid I mentioned New Oriental School.

"New Oriental! You were late for attending New Oriental! Didn't you know that our school doesn't advocate for going abroad!!!Are you planning leaving?"

"No! I was just thinking about enlarging my vocabulary. Our school only teaches grammar......"

A Chinese proverb says "New born doesn't know tiger's danger." I was prohibited from attending any classes for two days, but sitting in the didactical office writing my "Repentance letter":

I was wrong, enterly wrong, totally wrong. It's so stupid to think about going abroad in middle school. I betrayyed my teachers, my school, my country who raised me for enterly 18 years..."

Was I really wrong? Was I a sinful person? I terminated my middle school in China and went to America in my junior three. I saw with my own eyes how large this world is. How people were allowed to choose their life, there religion, there major in university, their job, their own opinion! When I was sitting in the movie theater, watching "Fahrenheit 9/11, I keep on looking around, worrying about if peopel are gonna to come and arrest me!" I know, in China, Micheal Moore would have already been chopped into ten thousand pieces by secret government agient before the first movie ticket printed out!

Once, When Geroge W, Bush was visiting China, he made a speech in Twinghua University, "It's is OK for people to have their own religion!" I always remembered it. In my road of seeking for religion, I felt I have almost lost the ability of reasoning, distinguishing, and choosing. It was a huge astonishment for several scholars to conduct an experiment in China several years ago, " If giving you a barometer, a watch, a ruler, a weight, how can you measure the height of a tower?" In a Chinese middle university of over 500 stundents, all of the stundents gave congruously the same answer, "Measuring the air pressure at the tip of the tower, and put it into the air pressure-height formula. In western countries, over four thousand answers are given. Among them, a student said, " Just throw the barometer on top of the tower and record the time till it falls to the ground." Chinese students all thought it was one of the stupist solutions--the teacher teaches them to use barometers, but never to break it. The teacher says it, it must be true, always true! The headmaster said going abroad is bad. Unanimously, three hundred teachers in my middle school told the same thing to their stundents. Chiarman Mao told the Chinese people that people don't need religion, over 150,000,000 Chinese say to each other, "Yes, we don't need religion. Human wisdom can explain everything!"

So, when the day I stepped into New Oriental English school, I have became a criminal, a criminal in my middle school, under my mighty school headmaster.

Today, silently, lonely, my tears dropped not from my eyes,but from my heart. I told the lord, "Lord, I'm wrong for spitting on my father and turnning my back on my mother. I'm wrong for sticking with bad friends instead of listening to my parents and teachers." No one has forced me, but I know I have done these wrong.

But what about the "repentance letter" that I wrote when I was locked in the didactic office in my middle school for two days. Some times I'm wondering if the staff still kept it in her drawers. She may hang on to it, if she thinks it still means anything.

When I was thinking about believing god or not, I once asked pastor Glen a question:

"If Lord is the mighty one, why didn't he creat people all good in the first place, but make them suffer and struggle to search for him?"

"Jane, do you have a boyfriend?"

"A boy I really like."

"Do you want him only have you to like in this world, or he has the freedom to choose among all different girls and finally decide to like you, jane?"

"I want him to choose to like me."

"Yes, because that's real!"

China is changing. It's already economically opening to the world. About 80 years ago, Chinese people have the right to choose their marriage;50 years ago, Chinese people have the right to choose what brand of rice to buy and what brand of sugar to eat; in 2005, after entering WTO, Chinese will be able to choose what type of insurance to buy and from which bank to borrow money; and there will be one day, my dear brothers and sisters in main land will turn to me and ask, "Jane, tell us about religions".

I wish my children will never be locked in didactic offices and write rpentance letters, never. I want them to understand how to be good,  from their HEART!!!