A Day in the Life of The Almighty

While reading through the collection of poems in “Women in Praise of the Sacred”, it dawned upon me that almost everyone sees God, or the gods in their various religions, as divine beings that are serious all the time. Almost like how some Christians see God as being all about fire and brimstone.

In this day and age, where almost nothing is taboo anymore, there still seems to be this perception that God has no sense of humor. Perhaps that(His sense of humor)  is not portrayed in the Bible, but I believe that since all of us are made in His image, and all of us have a sense of humor (at least in varying degrees), then He must have a sense of humor too!

Therefore, I have decided to go about writing what I think goes on in Heaven.

Events have been dramatized for the sake of this paper.

It’s eight in the evening on a Thursday, there’s a thunderstorm downstairs and the wind is howling. Jesus, a couple of angels and some people are gathered around a 777 inch high definition plasma television screen.

“Could you turn up the volume a little please, I can hardly hear anything because of the storm,” said one of the angels.

“Be still,” boomed Jesus, and at once, “I’ll Be There For You” by The Rembrants could be heard coming from the THX certified, Divine Dolby Digital surround sound system.

“Thanks, but you didn’t have to be so dramatic,” said the angel. Jesus grinned.

God walks into the room with two fish and five loaves of bread and distributes it amongst the viewers eagerly awaiting the season finale of Friends to begin. They all thank him and begin eating.

“You guys know that at the end Rachel and Ross..."

“Waoh there Dad! Just because you know how it ends doesn’t mean you should spoil it for us too!” interrupted John the Baptist.

And so they all sat there and watched the finale together, one big happy family.

After Friends ended, and after a lengthy discussion on what they would do with their Thursday nights from then on, Jesus finally stood up and asked, “who’s up for Chinese?”

“But Jesus, we have twelve baskets of broken pieces left over, should we not finish that first,” asked Mathew.

Jesus looked at him and blinked.

“Hey Dad, I’m going to buy some chow mien for everyone. Could I please have some money,” asked Jesus.

“Do I have ‘ATM’ printed on my forehead son?"

“No, but you are our provider after all."

“…”

So off Jesus went to buy chow mien.

The next morning, while Jesus was telling God about the prayers he had received, the Archangel Michael walked in.

“Morning boss, I was just doing a bit of reading and wondering about man’s laws. Why are there so many different sets of laws, and even though they are called laws, why don’t they seem to apply to everyone?”

“Well Michael, since Adam ate that fruit they have been under the impression that they are able to judge between good and evil. As for why the laws are applied differently everywhere, why don’t you ask a lawyer or something?”

So the Archangel took out his cell phone and dialed 666.

“Hey Lucifer, could you please get a lawyer on the line? I need to ask one of them a question.”

The Devil put him on hold for what seemed like an eternity, playing a back masked version of Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” before finally hanging up on him.

Meanwhile, Moses was on his way back home from the God’s Gym, and when he rounded a corner, there was a sudden gust of wind and his robes came into contact with a burning bush.

“Eee-yikes!”

God stood up, barely able to control his laughter.

“Always fall for that one eh Moses, and your shrieks get higher pitched and more little girl-like everyday!”

“Don’t you have anything better to do Dad, like answering prayers or something?”

Moses had a great sense of humor too, that’s why God knew He could play little pranks on him and Moses would not be petty about it. God put his arm around Moses and took him to grab a nice steak and baked potato at Ruth’s Christ Steak House, and since this is heaven, all food is sans calories and carbs.

After lunch, God and a couple of the guys, namely Jesus, Moses, and King Solomon sat down for a game of bridge. Naturally, Jesus was sitting at God’s right hand.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “Can’t be much fun playing cards with the all seeing God can it?” Well, He said He would not use any of His all knowing abilities to His advantage, and of course everyone trust in Him, so that’s why it still can be fun when He is playing.

“Hey Jesus, we’re all out of wine, could y… Thanks”

At this point, David walks in, pours himself a glass of wine, and they switch to playing gin rummy since there’s a fifth player.

A couple of hours go by, and after God listens and answers all prayers, everyone in heaven gathers for a grand feast. When I say grand, I mean grand! There were gold plates, gold cutlery, gold goblets, silver napkins folded into swans, the works. Even Donald Trump would not dare dream of a dinner so lavish. All this was laid out on the longest mahogany table you have ever seen. Everything from the very best prime rib, to the most golden fried chicken is served.1 And to top it all off, the feast took place on streets of gold!

At one end of the table is Martin Luther King Jr., eating the fried chicken, and John F. Kennedy, both having a good time and joking around. Seated across from them are Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin (goblet of wine in hand of course) and Sammy Davis Jr., all having a good time too. At the other end of the table is Audrey Hepburn, eating a solitary piece of lettuce2, seated across from Hubert de Givenchy, both discussing fashion.

Everyone is happy and smiling, God, in all his wondrous glory gives a million candle power smile.